Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.