Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.