The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?