Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
britain’s three elite institutions
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about