Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
this is the news I live for
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.