WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun