Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me