Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.