My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person