Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…