[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.