You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho