You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?