If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes