Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.