wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”