I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?