Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?