I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.