*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t