got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.