my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.