I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!