it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool