ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.