[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.