If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here