Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”