At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business