To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!