Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman