[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last