Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
No, you’re not getting it your honor
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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