I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind