My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Seems legit
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?