Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
When your diet is finally over.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t