Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about