After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now