Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.