(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?