Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
shazam but for random noises outside
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared