My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late