Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
