I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
I am absolutely never leaving this website
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
