*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it