Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.