I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.