Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean