If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.