I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.