To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)